DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BACK DOOR GIRL IS? IT'S THE FEMALE THAT HE CALLS AT THE MIDNIGHT HOUR. SHE IS NOT EXACTLY THE BOOTY CALL BUT HE WOULDN'T BEEN SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH HER. SHE ISN'T NECESSARILY UGLY...JUST NOT UP TO HIS COLONIZED STANDARD OF BEAUTY. SHE IS NOT THE TYPE OF WOMAN THAT HE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH. SHE HAS BEEN REGULATED TO THE AFTER THOUGHT. THE FUNNY THING ABOUT IT IS THAT MOST WOMEN KNOW THAT THEY ARE THIS BDG. THEY LIE AND TELL THEMSELVES THAT THEY ARE OK WITH IT. 'I AIN'T LOOKIN FOR NO RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW', IS WHAT YOU USUALLY HEAR FROM THEM. MOST OF THE TIME IT IS JUST AN EXCUSE TO MASK THE INSECURITY THAT THEY HAVE ABOUT BEING ALONE. THIS IS A SOCIETY OF PAIRS.
WHEN YOUARE ALONE MOST PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW WHY AND FIGURE THAT THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU OR YOU WOULD NOT BE ALONE. WHY IS SHE WITH THIS MAN WHEN SHE KNOWS THAT SHE WANTS MORE? THE EASY ANSWER IS THAT HE IS GOOD LOOKING AND A GOOD LOVER. THE REAL ANSWER IS THAT SHE IS UNABLE TO DEAL WITH THE ALTERNATIVE...BEING ALONE. AS WOMEN, WE HAVE CONVINCED OURSELVES THAT SOMETHING IS INHERITENTLY WRONG WITH US IF WE ARE WITHOUT, AT THE VERY LEAST , SOME 'D** IN A GLASS'. WE DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW THAT WE GO TO BED ALONE EVERYNIGHT EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T WANT TO. SO WE SETTLE FOR HIM...THE GUY WHO SHOULD BE HONORED TO SHARE YOUR COMPANY BUT INSTEAD COMES TO SEE YOU TO BE SERVICED LIKE A KING.
SISTER, PLEASE, FOR ME...FOR YOURSELF. GET UP, GO IN THE BATHROOM, LOOK IN THE MIRROR, POINT AT YOURSELF AND SAY...'I DON'T NEED THIS. I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE.' YOUR BODY WILL FIGHT YOU. YOUR MIND WITH ARGUE WITH YOU. YOUR SPIRIT WILL FEEL WOUNDED. STOP AND THINK ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL THE NEXT DAY WHEN HE IS GONE. YOU ARE KIDDING YOURSELF IF YOU TELL ME THAT YOU FEEL GOOD. THIS BROTHER JUST CAME AND DEPOSITED HIS FRUSTRATION, ANGER, GRIEF AND STRESS INTO YOUR PRECIOUS CHAMBER. HE IS REFRESHED, RENEWED AND ON HIS WAY BACK TO THE WOMAN THAT HE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT. THE ONE THAT HE TAKES TO DINNER, THE ONE THAT HE TAKES TO THE MOVIES, THE ONE THAT HE DOES ALL OF THOSE 'LITTLE THINGS' FOR. YOU WILL NOT GET THOSE THINGS FROM HIM UNLESS YOU NAG HIM AND THREATEN. (BY THE WAY...JUST SO YOU KNOW...HE STOPPED AT THE GAS STATION ON THE WAY TO THE HOUSE AND BOUGHT YOU THOSE 1/2 DEAD A** FLOWERS). YOU'LL BE OK. I PROMISE YOU. THERE IS A MAN OUT THERE WHO WILL APPRECIATE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU MEAN TO HIM. HE WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF YOU. NOW GO BACK IN THAT BEDROOM WHERE MR. MAN IS SNORING HIS A** OFF AND SLOBBERING ON YOUR EGYPTIAN COTTON SHEETS, TURN THE LIGHT AND THE RADIO ON AND PUT HIS BLACK A&& OUT. (VIA THE BACK DOOR OF COURSE)
Friday, August 21, 2009
The 11th Hour
WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH? WHEN DO YOU WALK AWAY? WHEN DO YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL? CRY UNCLE? CHAKA SINGS "YOU CAN FIX IT, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT WORK." YOU'VE LISTEN TO HIS LIES OVER, OVER AND OVER. SHE'S RUN THRU YOUR BANK ACCOUNT OVER, OVER AND OVER. YOU'VE MADE PHONE CALLS THAT WERE NOT RETURNED OVER, OVER AND OVER. THERE SEEMS TO BE AN 'ABOUT FACE' IN YOUR LOVE AFFAIR. WTF JUST HAPPENED? THE EMERGENCY BRAKE HAS BEEN PULLED. DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT THIS JUST HAPPENED? NO, MY FRIEND. THIS WAS A LONG TIME COMING. SUBTLE LITTLE HINTS THAT YOU'VE OVERLOOKED. TRANSGRESSIONS FORGIVEN. THINGS EXPLAINED AWAY NOT BY THEM, BUT BY YOU. LOVE HAS MADE YOU THE CONSUMATE GIVER OF EXCUSES. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GIVE AN ACCOUNT OF ANYTHING ANYMORE. YOU'VE ALREADY GOT THAT ALL WRAPPED UP IN A NEAT LITTLE PACKAGE FOR THEM. WHILE YOU ARE STANDING THERE STUNNED LIKE A WANDERING DEER STARING INTO AN APPROACHING VEHICLE'S HEADLIGHTS, THIS PERSON IS ROBBING YOU BLIND. THEY HAVE ROBBED YOU OF YOUR LOVE, YOUR TRUST, YOUR TIME, YOUR SELF RESPECT, YOUR SECURITY AND YOUR SANITY. (AND PROBABLY A NICE PIECE OF YOUR MONEY) WALK AWAY. .NO DON'T WALK AWAY......RUN AWAY. NOT AWAY FROM THEM BUT RUN BACK TO YOU. RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, BECAUSE IT DOES. AND NEXT TIME YOU DECIDE TO TAKE ANOTHER JOURNEY WITH SOMEONE .READ THE SIGNS ALONG THE WAY.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
fiercely independent and female
In the black community it's not uncommon to find black women fending for themselves. For various reasons, black men are absent from our lives. It's not always a physical absence but there are times when the absence is emotional. Now, I'm not blaming black men for this as the fault is not always theirs to bear. This is not what this blog is about. I am discussing, rather with myself, the increasing tension between those of us who are out here 'doing our thing' vs the black men in our lives (or not in our lives).
Something happens when the subject of independent black women comes up and it's not always pretty. In my opinion (which is why it's MY blog) when we use the term independence and black woman in the same sentence, a picture is painted of a lonley, bitter, emasculating woman who is contentious and always looking for a fight, particularly with black men. Now, some of this is true. I think that some women's spirits have been so battered and broken, that their hearts are hardened as a barrier against the world around them. They mask their pain and disappointment with anger which is usually misdirected. I feel for those sisters. The series of painful moments, I know all too well. They haven't found that place of peace inside themselves that will allow them to take each man based on his merits instead of the quick assumption that all men, especially black men, are nothing more than dogs. This generaliztion of course is incorrect but it works both ways as a lot of our men generalize us as well. I can only use my own story to show you why we are not all these negative things.
I was an ordinary child. Smart but not real smart. Attractive but not real pretty. (at least to me) I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17 and having grown up with a whole lot of awful things happen in to me early on, I was ill prepared emotionally for dealing with the opposite sex.
I managed to finish high school with my virginity still in tact which made my mother quite happy since it meant that I knew what she meant when she told me "don't go out there and get knocked up by some n****. You ain't bringin no babies up in my house".
I had what I considered to be the typical college experience; classes, parties, football games, and the whole rest of the things that you do when you are away from home without adult supervision. Still, I managed to get my degree and still didn't "bring home no babies". (but no, I wasn't a virgin anymore) I fell in love with a young man by my senior year who I thought, with every fiber of my being was going to be my husband and the father of my three children. I guess you could say that we were in love as much as two people in their early twenties could be. Being home kind of changed the scope of all of that. He went on the graduate school and I went home to get a job. The distance was too much for our immature relationship and let's just say that one of us (me) got very hurt. Nevertheless, the show must go on so I took my broken heart and kept it moving. The world was going to keep turning even if I didn't want it to.
I moved out of parent's house and into my own city apartment. I was working and trying to decide just what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I lived like a typical 20 something would on her own in the big city. I worked, partied, got my hair 'did', shopped, etc. I had a couple of relationships but no marriage. I even thought about marrying the guy from back home but I decided that loving someone BEFORE you marry them was kind of important, if you wanted a shot a staying married so no dice. Ok then I was 30. 30 came so fast that I wondered what happened to ages 25-30? My female clock was ticking and I needed to make some decisions. (or at least that's what I thought) But who was I going to marry? The men that I knew at the time, were either married, living with someone or just out there still playing. (or gay) Along with my clock ticking, age 30 came with a series of female problems that garnered me some surgeries that proved to be life changing. At 35, I no longer had to worry about my clock ticking since one of those surgeries removed it entirely. Now what? I cannot have children. Whose going to marry a barren woman? I spent a little time after my surgery going thru a series of depressive periods wondering if I was ever going to be happily wedded. After two years of questioning my worth as a woman, I decided enough was enough. I needed to get busy living my life and stop worrying about Prince Charming rolling up in his Caddy to take me away from all of this. So....I bought a house, joined a book club, started taking my health a little more seriously and pressed on.
Now I'm in my early 40's. Still no husband but surprisingly, content. Don't get me wrong, I would like some companionship but I can't afford to put my life on hold any longer waiting on it. I know women right now saying something like this 'As soon as I get a husband, I'm going to..." This, to me is a sad place to be. I could be mad about it but what is that going to do? I could blame black men, but how is it their fault? None of those things are going to change my circumstances. It is what it is. See? We don't all hate you. I think that when some of us say, we don't need no man, we are just acknowledging that we can get on with our lives and not place them on hold hoping that you'll finally notice us. Now, of course some women have been saying that they don't need a man so much that they on longer desire one. (and most don't really mean it) I guess that you just get tired of getting disappointed over and over in the whole dating scene. I don't think that I need you but I know that I want you. I'm okay with me. I don't need you to complete me or validate me. This is God's job. I learned that lesson a long time ago.
I don't think that a woman's independence separates her from men. I just think that it frees her to be more of a partner when she is in a relationship. (if she has healthy self esteem. which is another subject all together) Note to the ladies out there...we can be independent and still know to our role as the female in the relationship without losing ourselves. Note to the men...we can be indepenent and still know our role as the female in the relationship without losing you.
Something happens when the subject of independent black women comes up and it's not always pretty. In my opinion (which is why it's MY blog) when we use the term independence and black woman in the same sentence, a picture is painted of a lonley, bitter, emasculating woman who is contentious and always looking for a fight, particularly with black men. Now, some of this is true. I think that some women's spirits have been so battered and broken, that their hearts are hardened as a barrier against the world around them. They mask their pain and disappointment with anger which is usually misdirected. I feel for those sisters. The series of painful moments, I know all too well. They haven't found that place of peace inside themselves that will allow them to take each man based on his merits instead of the quick assumption that all men, especially black men, are nothing more than dogs. This generaliztion of course is incorrect but it works both ways as a lot of our men generalize us as well. I can only use my own story to show you why we are not all these negative things.
I was an ordinary child. Smart but not real smart. Attractive but not real pretty. (at least to me) I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17 and having grown up with a whole lot of awful things happen in to me early on, I was ill prepared emotionally for dealing with the opposite sex.
I managed to finish high school with my virginity still in tact which made my mother quite happy since it meant that I knew what she meant when she told me "don't go out there and get knocked up by some n****. You ain't bringin no babies up in my house".
I had what I considered to be the typical college experience; classes, parties, football games, and the whole rest of the things that you do when you are away from home without adult supervision. Still, I managed to get my degree and still didn't "bring home no babies". (but no, I wasn't a virgin anymore) I fell in love with a young man by my senior year who I thought, with every fiber of my being was going to be my husband and the father of my three children. I guess you could say that we were in love as much as two people in their early twenties could be. Being home kind of changed the scope of all of that. He went on the graduate school and I went home to get a job. The distance was too much for our immature relationship and let's just say that one of us (me) got very hurt. Nevertheless, the show must go on so I took my broken heart and kept it moving. The world was going to keep turning even if I didn't want it to.
I moved out of parent's house and into my own city apartment. I was working and trying to decide just what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I lived like a typical 20 something would on her own in the big city. I worked, partied, got my hair 'did', shopped, etc. I had a couple of relationships but no marriage. I even thought about marrying the guy from back home but I decided that loving someone BEFORE you marry them was kind of important, if you wanted a shot a staying married so no dice. Ok then I was 30. 30 came so fast that I wondered what happened to ages 25-30? My female clock was ticking and I needed to make some decisions. (or at least that's what I thought) But who was I going to marry? The men that I knew at the time, were either married, living with someone or just out there still playing. (or gay) Along with my clock ticking, age 30 came with a series of female problems that garnered me some surgeries that proved to be life changing. At 35, I no longer had to worry about my clock ticking since one of those surgeries removed it entirely. Now what? I cannot have children. Whose going to marry a barren woman? I spent a little time after my surgery going thru a series of depressive periods wondering if I was ever going to be happily wedded. After two years of questioning my worth as a woman, I decided enough was enough. I needed to get busy living my life and stop worrying about Prince Charming rolling up in his Caddy to take me away from all of this. So....I bought a house, joined a book club, started taking my health a little more seriously and pressed on.
Now I'm in my early 40's. Still no husband but surprisingly, content. Don't get me wrong, I would like some companionship but I can't afford to put my life on hold any longer waiting on it. I know women right now saying something like this 'As soon as I get a husband, I'm going to..." This, to me is a sad place to be. I could be mad about it but what is that going to do? I could blame black men, but how is it their fault? None of those things are going to change my circumstances. It is what it is. See? We don't all hate you. I think that when some of us say, we don't need no man, we are just acknowledging that we can get on with our lives and not place them on hold hoping that you'll finally notice us. Now, of course some women have been saying that they don't need a man so much that they on longer desire one. (and most don't really mean it) I guess that you just get tired of getting disappointed over and over in the whole dating scene. I don't think that I need you but I know that I want you. I'm okay with me. I don't need you to complete me or validate me. This is God's job. I learned that lesson a long time ago.
I don't think that a woman's independence separates her from men. I just think that it frees her to be more of a partner when she is in a relationship. (if she has healthy self esteem. which is another subject all together) Note to the ladies out there...we can be independent and still know to our role as the female in the relationship without losing ourselves. Note to the men...we can be indepenent and still know our role as the female in the relationship without losing you.
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