Yesterday, I received some very unsettling news from a friend. He had just discovered that one of his very best friends had passed on. He had just seen her, talked to her and I can imagine that they probably shared a good laugh or two. His crying went right through me and I wished that I could find the right words to comfort him as he grieved for his good friend and one of the biggest NY Giants fans that he’d ever known. (besides himself)
I spent the better part of the day today thinking about life. Every time I hear about someone passing fairly young, I think about all of the things that they did not get a chance to do. I wonder about the places that they’ve never seen, foods they’ve never tasted and all of the stuff that they’ve never tried. Why does it always seem so short? Then I ran across this quote from Ralph Waldo Ermerson that says,
‘It is not length of life, but depth of life’.
I believe that every date is appointed, birth and death. If you knew your end date, what would you be doing right now? Most people have so many things on their ‘to do’ list that they haven’t done. Why not? What’s stopping you? There are places to see, foods to eat, books to write, etc, etc, etc. Why are we always talking about GOING to do things and never actually DOING these things?
We’re so busy making plans to call people we never call. Making promises that we have no intention of keeping. We waste so much time stubbornly holding on to life long grudges. We expend so much energy on pointing fingers and placing blame. We relive injustice done to us and watch it over and over in your mind like some bad B movie. The whole while our life clock is ticking and before you know it, you’re menopausal, geriatric and just plain bitter.
Don’t let this be your epitaph! Live you life realizing what a gift it is and what a gift YOU are…to somebody. Stop talking about what you are GOING to do or WANT to do and (to quote Nike) JUST DO IT.
Today, I raise my coffee mug to Hope. She came, she lived and most importantly she loved her team, her family and her friends. Put in a good word for us Hope, I have a feeling that we’re going to need it.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
The Eye of the Beholder
“Always remember that true beauty comes from within — from within bottles, jars, compacts, and tubes.” Peter's Almanac
The practice of getting (and preserving) beauty is big business not just in America but globally. There’s a potion, lotion, cream or gel for every wrinkle, pimple, spot, line or crease. A woman can be smoothed, exfoliated, primed, matted and glossed…most of the time all in the same jar. And this is just for the face!
There is so much pressure on women to be born beautiful, grow up pretty and maintain that same illusion of the absolute gorgeous throughout life. Even though we get older (while kicking and screaming against the inevitability of aging) we MUST do it gracefully.
So here I am standing in the bathroom mirror feeling anxious because there’s a pimple on my face. Adult acne is conspiring against me. It’s already bad enough with this damn grey hair. Please don’t ask me where. Some places Miss Clairol just ain’t meant to go. (Trust me, I’ve thought about trying it) On top of all of that, there is the ever expanding waist line, stomach and hips that just seem immune to any amount of exercise. Weight that’s up and down, round and round like some carnival ride that you just KNOW that you are going to be sick from riding.
My Grandmother always tells me that it’s alright getting older, it’s just damn inconvenient. Of course, media bombards us with images of beauty that are far fetching, false and down right impossible to maintain. It can even teach our little girls that being rail thin to the point of starvation will make you happy or better yet, the next big star. We need to stop allowing these marketers with their airbrushed images tell our little girls what pretty is. I, for one would like to see a whole lot more transparency in the media so at least one less little girl can stop looking in the mirror with tears in her eyes wishing that she was pretty like ____________.
I thought that after age 40, I would be over this by now but as Whitney would say “hell-to the nawl”. A pimple on my chin and at midnight I’m still obsessing about it. Staring at it brings me to my un-kept eyebrows, moles, freckles and now I’m starting to notice some dark circles under my eyes. Damn….it’s just a matter of time before my eyes are traveling south and I’m looking at my stomach, my hips, some stretch marks and finally stopping at my water retaining ankles.
Yes, there are things that we can do like exercise, eating a healthy diet and maintaining a good sleep schedule. We can develop a good skin cleansing regimen and stick to it. We can learn to love our hair and take care of it. We can get rid of foods, people and situations that cause us a great deal of stress. We can learn to laugh and cut ourselves some slack. But more importantly, we can teach our daughters and ourselves about what it means to be truly beautiful.
The practice of getting (and preserving) beauty is big business not just in America but globally. There’s a potion, lotion, cream or gel for every wrinkle, pimple, spot, line or crease. A woman can be smoothed, exfoliated, primed, matted and glossed…most of the time all in the same jar. And this is just for the face!
There is so much pressure on women to be born beautiful, grow up pretty and maintain that same illusion of the absolute gorgeous throughout life. Even though we get older (while kicking and screaming against the inevitability of aging) we MUST do it gracefully.
So here I am standing in the bathroom mirror feeling anxious because there’s a pimple on my face. Adult acne is conspiring against me. It’s already bad enough with this damn grey hair. Please don’t ask me where. Some places Miss Clairol just ain’t meant to go. (Trust me, I’ve thought about trying it) On top of all of that, there is the ever expanding waist line, stomach and hips that just seem immune to any amount of exercise. Weight that’s up and down, round and round like some carnival ride that you just KNOW that you are going to be sick from riding.
My Grandmother always tells me that it’s alright getting older, it’s just damn inconvenient. Of course, media bombards us with images of beauty that are far fetching, false and down right impossible to maintain. It can even teach our little girls that being rail thin to the point of starvation will make you happy or better yet, the next big star. We need to stop allowing these marketers with their airbrushed images tell our little girls what pretty is. I, for one would like to see a whole lot more transparency in the media so at least one less little girl can stop looking in the mirror with tears in her eyes wishing that she was pretty like ____________.
I thought that after age 40, I would be over this by now but as Whitney would say “hell-to the nawl”. A pimple on my chin and at midnight I’m still obsessing about it. Staring at it brings me to my un-kept eyebrows, moles, freckles and now I’m starting to notice some dark circles under my eyes. Damn….it’s just a matter of time before my eyes are traveling south and I’m looking at my stomach, my hips, some stretch marks and finally stopping at my water retaining ankles.
Yes, there are things that we can do like exercise, eating a healthy diet and maintaining a good sleep schedule. We can develop a good skin cleansing regimen and stick to it. We can learn to love our hair and take care of it. We can get rid of foods, people and situations that cause us a great deal of stress. We can learn to laugh and cut ourselves some slack. But more importantly, we can teach our daughters and ourselves about what it means to be truly beautiful.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Onyx
This weekend a friend came by that I had not seen in awhile. Nice guy with the prettiest white teeth, dazzing smile, witty, and wise way. As he caught us up on the current events in his life, I looked at his smooth onyx skin and thought to myself...wow his skin is so beautiful. I know that years ago (and not that long ago)..many people would have shunned him for his dark skin. It took me back to MLK Elementary and my 5th grade pal, Lisa. She was a dark beauty with dark, smoldering eyes. She too had a million dollar smile but I rarely seen it since she was the subject of many tauntings by the other kids at school. It was already hard enough to be black in the early 70's in a predominately white community, a mostly white school. (don't be fooled by the name of the school) She had to be very dark on top of it. One particular day, these rowdy bunch of boys sat near our table in the cafe. I knew we should have moved but I gave them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they would be engrossed in talking about the last episode of the six million dollar man and starsky and hutches red car to notice us there. I was wrong. It started with them calling her name and then when she looked at them, huddle with their private joke and laugh hysterically. I told her to ignore them. We continued to talk. Then the worse happened. They started chanting...who is the coolest boy in the 5th grade? Derek! Who is the baddest cat in the 5th grade? Michael! Who is the prettiest girl in the 5th Grade? (I was not surpised that they said my name..not because of my look but only because Derek was calling himself my 'boyfriend'). Lisa looked at me and smiled. I was not impressed. Then there it was like a knife being thrown. Who is the blackest, ugliest, looking guerilla in the 5th grade? Lisa! I gasped. I could not breathe. They just kept saying her name over and over. I sat there and stared at Lisa...she never said a word...just kept picking over her lunch. Big crocodile tears flowing down that beautiful skin. Her lashes so long that some of the tears just hung there a minute before falling onto her sandwich; now soggy from her tears. I ached for her. I wanted to tell her that I was the one who was ugly with my caramel colored skin. She was a pure beauty. Like africa..exotic and wonderful. My tears began to flow too. I wanted to hurt those boys including and especially my so called beau who was the same dark complexsion. How dare they? When they were done, they left laughing and patting each other on the back like they had accomplished some amazing thing. What they did was destructive, ugly and hurtful. At 41, it still haunts me. I can only hope that Lisa has healed from those wounds. I have a feeling that she grew up so pretty. Tall and graceful...and successful. Lisa, wherever you are, I hope that God has blessed you till your cup has run over. He already made you a precious jewel with that Onyx skin.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
what do you want
Most women have a list of what qualities they are expecting out of the One. How he will look, sound, act, how much money he will make, etc, etc, etc. Even if it's not written down, it's in our heads. I'm not knocking it because I have a list or two myself and since I tend to write just about everything down, I have my neatly compiled list stashed somewhere in MSWord on my laptop.
This was not my first list. My first list I made when I was about 24 or 25. I had just attended one of the many singles ministries conferences that I would attend between age 24 and 28. After attending one of the meetings, I felt that it was important to know what I wanted and to share that information with my divine creator. At age 42, I decided to do another list and compare the two. My second list was much longer. My first list, although shorter was (in my 4o something opinion) a little shallow.
This blog is not about doing a list but about the whole idea of having expectations.
In my conversations with women, I discuss with them what type of man would they like God to send them. Women for the most part pretty much have some very common ideas: good work ethic, family oriented, kind, romantic, generous, spiritual. The rest of the list varies depending on what stage in life you are in.
Look at your list and think about this:
Are you asking this person to be more than you are willing to be and give more than you are willing to give?
You should expect the best, after all no one should settle but if you expect his best would you also give yours as well?
We say that we will not settle but look at your list. How many of those qualities does your current partner possess? or are you having one of those 'in the meantime' relationships. (yeah, you know what I'm talking about)
No one is perfect (not even you). What things on your list can you live without? As a side bar to that question...if you have a list of 15 things and the person that you are currently seeing only has 3 out of that 15, either: your list is too long, you don't really know what you want, or you are not being honest with yourself about what you want.
All I'm really trying to say to you is that before you can have a meaningful relationship with someone else, you have to start by fixing the one with yourself. You have to know what you want but more importantly what you are willing to give. In other words, you've got to be a 100k woman to get a 100k man. (and if you think that I'm really talking about money, you've got a lot more work to do than you think)
This was not my first list. My first list I made when I was about 24 or 25. I had just attended one of the many singles ministries conferences that I would attend between age 24 and 28. After attending one of the meetings, I felt that it was important to know what I wanted and to share that information with my divine creator. At age 42, I decided to do another list and compare the two. My second list was much longer. My first list, although shorter was (in my 4o something opinion) a little shallow.
This blog is not about doing a list but about the whole idea of having expectations.
In my conversations with women, I discuss with them what type of man would they like God to send them. Women for the most part pretty much have some very common ideas: good work ethic, family oriented, kind, romantic, generous, spiritual. The rest of the list varies depending on what stage in life you are in.
Look at your list and think about this:
Are you asking this person to be more than you are willing to be and give more than you are willing to give?
You should expect the best, after all no one should settle but if you expect his best would you also give yours as well?
We say that we will not settle but look at your list. How many of those qualities does your current partner possess? or are you having one of those 'in the meantime' relationships. (yeah, you know what I'm talking about)
No one is perfect (not even you). What things on your list can you live without? As a side bar to that question...if you have a list of 15 things and the person that you are currently seeing only has 3 out of that 15, either: your list is too long, you don't really know what you want, or you are not being honest with yourself about what you want.
All I'm really trying to say to you is that before you can have a meaningful relationship with someone else, you have to start by fixing the one with yourself. You have to know what you want but more importantly what you are willing to give. In other words, you've got to be a 100k woman to get a 100k man. (and if you think that I'm really talking about money, you've got a lot more work to do than you think)
Friday, August 21, 2009
shutting the back door
DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BACK DOOR GIRL IS? IT'S THE FEMALE THAT HE CALLS AT THE MIDNIGHT HOUR. SHE IS NOT EXACTLY THE BOOTY CALL BUT HE WOULDN'T BEEN SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH HER. SHE ISN'T NECESSARILY UGLY...JUST NOT UP TO HIS COLONIZED STANDARD OF BEAUTY. SHE IS NOT THE TYPE OF WOMAN THAT HE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH. SHE HAS BEEN REGULATED TO THE AFTER THOUGHT. THE FUNNY THING ABOUT IT IS THAT MOST WOMEN KNOW THAT THEY ARE THIS BDG. THEY LIE AND TELL THEMSELVES THAT THEY ARE OK WITH IT. 'I AIN'T LOOKIN FOR NO RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW', IS WHAT YOU USUALLY HEAR FROM THEM. MOST OF THE TIME IT IS JUST AN EXCUSE TO MASK THE INSECURITY THAT THEY HAVE ABOUT BEING ALONE. THIS IS A SOCIETY OF PAIRS.
WHEN YOUARE ALONE MOST PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW WHY AND FIGURE THAT THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU OR YOU WOULD NOT BE ALONE. WHY IS SHE WITH THIS MAN WHEN SHE KNOWS THAT SHE WANTS MORE? THE EASY ANSWER IS THAT HE IS GOOD LOOKING AND A GOOD LOVER. THE REAL ANSWER IS THAT SHE IS UNABLE TO DEAL WITH THE ALTERNATIVE...BEING ALONE. AS WOMEN, WE HAVE CONVINCED OURSELVES THAT SOMETHING IS INHERITENTLY WRONG WITH US IF WE ARE WITHOUT, AT THE VERY LEAST , SOME 'D** IN A GLASS'. WE DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW THAT WE GO TO BED ALONE EVERYNIGHT EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T WANT TO. SO WE SETTLE FOR HIM...THE GUY WHO SHOULD BE HONORED TO SHARE YOUR COMPANY BUT INSTEAD COMES TO SEE YOU TO BE SERVICED LIKE A KING.
SISTER, PLEASE, FOR ME...FOR YOURSELF. GET UP, GO IN THE BATHROOM, LOOK IN THE MIRROR, POINT AT YOURSELF AND SAY...'I DON'T NEED THIS. I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE.' YOUR BODY WILL FIGHT YOU. YOUR MIND WITH ARGUE WITH YOU. YOUR SPIRIT WILL FEEL WOUNDED. STOP AND THINK ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL THE NEXT DAY WHEN HE IS GONE. YOU ARE KIDDING YOURSELF IF YOU TELL ME THAT YOU FEEL GOOD. THIS BROTHER JUST CAME AND DEPOSITED HIS FRUSTRATION, ANGER, GRIEF AND STRESS INTO YOUR PRECIOUS CHAMBER. HE IS REFRESHED, RENEWED AND ON HIS WAY BACK TO THE WOMAN THAT HE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT. THE ONE THAT HE TAKES TO DINNER, THE ONE THAT HE TAKES TO THE MOVIES, THE ONE THAT HE DOES ALL OF THOSE 'LITTLE THINGS' FOR. YOU WILL NOT GET THOSE THINGS FROM HIM UNLESS YOU NAG HIM AND THREATEN. (BY THE WAY...JUST SO YOU KNOW...HE STOPPED AT THE GAS STATION ON THE WAY TO THE HOUSE AND BOUGHT YOU THOSE 1/2 DEAD A** FLOWERS). YOU'LL BE OK. I PROMISE YOU. THERE IS A MAN OUT THERE WHO WILL APPRECIATE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU MEAN TO HIM. HE WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF YOU. NOW GO BACK IN THAT BEDROOM WHERE MR. MAN IS SNORING HIS A** OFF AND SLOBBERING ON YOUR EGYPTIAN COTTON SHEETS, TURN THE LIGHT AND THE RADIO ON AND PUT HIS BLACK A&& OUT. (VIA THE BACK DOOR OF COURSE)
WHEN YOUARE ALONE MOST PEOPLE WANT TO KNOW WHY AND FIGURE THAT THERE MUST BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU OR YOU WOULD NOT BE ALONE. WHY IS SHE WITH THIS MAN WHEN SHE KNOWS THAT SHE WANTS MORE? THE EASY ANSWER IS THAT HE IS GOOD LOOKING AND A GOOD LOVER. THE REAL ANSWER IS THAT SHE IS UNABLE TO DEAL WITH THE ALTERNATIVE...BEING ALONE. AS WOMEN, WE HAVE CONVINCED OURSELVES THAT SOMETHING IS INHERITENTLY WRONG WITH US IF WE ARE WITHOUT, AT THE VERY LEAST , SOME 'D** IN A GLASS'. WE DON'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW THAT WE GO TO BED ALONE EVERYNIGHT EVEN THOUGH WE DON'T WANT TO. SO WE SETTLE FOR HIM...THE GUY WHO SHOULD BE HONORED TO SHARE YOUR COMPANY BUT INSTEAD COMES TO SEE YOU TO BE SERVICED LIKE A KING.
SISTER, PLEASE, FOR ME...FOR YOURSELF. GET UP, GO IN THE BATHROOM, LOOK IN THE MIRROR, POINT AT YOURSELF AND SAY...'I DON'T NEED THIS. I DON'T DESERVE THIS. I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE.' YOUR BODY WILL FIGHT YOU. YOUR MIND WITH ARGUE WITH YOU. YOUR SPIRIT WILL FEEL WOUNDED. STOP AND THINK ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL THE NEXT DAY WHEN HE IS GONE. YOU ARE KIDDING YOURSELF IF YOU TELL ME THAT YOU FEEL GOOD. THIS BROTHER JUST CAME AND DEPOSITED HIS FRUSTRATION, ANGER, GRIEF AND STRESS INTO YOUR PRECIOUS CHAMBER. HE IS REFRESHED, RENEWED AND ON HIS WAY BACK TO THE WOMAN THAT HE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT. THE ONE THAT HE TAKES TO DINNER, THE ONE THAT HE TAKES TO THE MOVIES, THE ONE THAT HE DOES ALL OF THOSE 'LITTLE THINGS' FOR. YOU WILL NOT GET THOSE THINGS FROM HIM UNLESS YOU NAG HIM AND THREATEN. (BY THE WAY...JUST SO YOU KNOW...HE STOPPED AT THE GAS STATION ON THE WAY TO THE HOUSE AND BOUGHT YOU THOSE 1/2 DEAD A** FLOWERS). YOU'LL BE OK. I PROMISE YOU. THERE IS A MAN OUT THERE WHO WILL APPRECIATE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU MEAN TO HIM. HE WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF YOU. NOW GO BACK IN THAT BEDROOM WHERE MR. MAN IS SNORING HIS A** OFF AND SLOBBERING ON YOUR EGYPTIAN COTTON SHEETS, TURN THE LIGHT AND THE RADIO ON AND PUT HIS BLACK A&& OUT. (VIA THE BACK DOOR OF COURSE)
The 11th Hour
WHEN IS ENOUGH, ENOUGH? WHEN DO YOU WALK AWAY? WHEN DO YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL? CRY UNCLE? CHAKA SINGS "YOU CAN FIX IT, BUT YOU CAN'T MAKE IT WORK." YOU'VE LISTEN TO HIS LIES OVER, OVER AND OVER. SHE'S RUN THRU YOUR BANK ACCOUNT OVER, OVER AND OVER. YOU'VE MADE PHONE CALLS THAT WERE NOT RETURNED OVER, OVER AND OVER. THERE SEEMS TO BE AN 'ABOUT FACE' IN YOUR LOVE AFFAIR. WTF JUST HAPPENED? THE EMERGENCY BRAKE HAS BEEN PULLED. DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT THIS JUST HAPPENED? NO, MY FRIEND. THIS WAS A LONG TIME COMING. SUBTLE LITTLE HINTS THAT YOU'VE OVERLOOKED. TRANSGRESSIONS FORGIVEN. THINGS EXPLAINED AWAY NOT BY THEM, BUT BY YOU. LOVE HAS MADE YOU THE CONSUMATE GIVER OF EXCUSES. THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GIVE AN ACCOUNT OF ANYTHING ANYMORE. YOU'VE ALREADY GOT THAT ALL WRAPPED UP IN A NEAT LITTLE PACKAGE FOR THEM. WHILE YOU ARE STANDING THERE STUNNED LIKE A WANDERING DEER STARING INTO AN APPROACHING VEHICLE'S HEADLIGHTS, THIS PERSON IS ROBBING YOU BLIND. THEY HAVE ROBBED YOU OF YOUR LOVE, YOUR TRUST, YOUR TIME, YOUR SELF RESPECT, YOUR SECURITY AND YOUR SANITY. (AND PROBABLY A NICE PIECE OF YOUR MONEY) WALK AWAY. .NO DON'T WALK AWAY......RUN AWAY. NOT AWAY FROM THEM BUT RUN BACK TO YOU. RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, BECAUSE IT DOES. AND NEXT TIME YOU DECIDE TO TAKE ANOTHER JOURNEY WITH SOMEONE .READ THE SIGNS ALONG THE WAY.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
fiercely independent and female
In the black community it's not uncommon to find black women fending for themselves. For various reasons, black men are absent from our lives. It's not always a physical absence but there are times when the absence is emotional. Now, I'm not blaming black men for this as the fault is not always theirs to bear. This is not what this blog is about. I am discussing, rather with myself, the increasing tension between those of us who are out here 'doing our thing' vs the black men in our lives (or not in our lives).
Something happens when the subject of independent black women comes up and it's not always pretty. In my opinion (which is why it's MY blog) when we use the term independence and black woman in the same sentence, a picture is painted of a lonley, bitter, emasculating woman who is contentious and always looking for a fight, particularly with black men. Now, some of this is true. I think that some women's spirits have been so battered and broken, that their hearts are hardened as a barrier against the world around them. They mask their pain and disappointment with anger which is usually misdirected. I feel for those sisters. The series of painful moments, I know all too well. They haven't found that place of peace inside themselves that will allow them to take each man based on his merits instead of the quick assumption that all men, especially black men, are nothing more than dogs. This generaliztion of course is incorrect but it works both ways as a lot of our men generalize us as well. I can only use my own story to show you why we are not all these negative things.
I was an ordinary child. Smart but not real smart. Attractive but not real pretty. (at least to me) I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17 and having grown up with a whole lot of awful things happen in to me early on, I was ill prepared emotionally for dealing with the opposite sex.
I managed to finish high school with my virginity still in tact which made my mother quite happy since it meant that I knew what she meant when she told me "don't go out there and get knocked up by some n****. You ain't bringin no babies up in my house".
I had what I considered to be the typical college experience; classes, parties, football games, and the whole rest of the things that you do when you are away from home without adult supervision. Still, I managed to get my degree and still didn't "bring home no babies". (but no, I wasn't a virgin anymore) I fell in love with a young man by my senior year who I thought, with every fiber of my being was going to be my husband and the father of my three children. I guess you could say that we were in love as much as two people in their early twenties could be. Being home kind of changed the scope of all of that. He went on the graduate school and I went home to get a job. The distance was too much for our immature relationship and let's just say that one of us (me) got very hurt. Nevertheless, the show must go on so I took my broken heart and kept it moving. The world was going to keep turning even if I didn't want it to.
I moved out of parent's house and into my own city apartment. I was working and trying to decide just what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I lived like a typical 20 something would on her own in the big city. I worked, partied, got my hair 'did', shopped, etc. I had a couple of relationships but no marriage. I even thought about marrying the guy from back home but I decided that loving someone BEFORE you marry them was kind of important, if you wanted a shot a staying married so no dice. Ok then I was 30. 30 came so fast that I wondered what happened to ages 25-30? My female clock was ticking and I needed to make some decisions. (or at least that's what I thought) But who was I going to marry? The men that I knew at the time, were either married, living with someone or just out there still playing. (or gay) Along with my clock ticking, age 30 came with a series of female problems that garnered me some surgeries that proved to be life changing. At 35, I no longer had to worry about my clock ticking since one of those surgeries removed it entirely. Now what? I cannot have children. Whose going to marry a barren woman? I spent a little time after my surgery going thru a series of depressive periods wondering if I was ever going to be happily wedded. After two years of questioning my worth as a woman, I decided enough was enough. I needed to get busy living my life and stop worrying about Prince Charming rolling up in his Caddy to take me away from all of this. So....I bought a house, joined a book club, started taking my health a little more seriously and pressed on.
Now I'm in my early 40's. Still no husband but surprisingly, content. Don't get me wrong, I would like some companionship but I can't afford to put my life on hold any longer waiting on it. I know women right now saying something like this 'As soon as I get a husband, I'm going to..." This, to me is a sad place to be. I could be mad about it but what is that going to do? I could blame black men, but how is it their fault? None of those things are going to change my circumstances. It is what it is. See? We don't all hate you. I think that when some of us say, we don't need no man, we are just acknowledging that we can get on with our lives and not place them on hold hoping that you'll finally notice us. Now, of course some women have been saying that they don't need a man so much that they on longer desire one. (and most don't really mean it) I guess that you just get tired of getting disappointed over and over in the whole dating scene. I don't think that I need you but I know that I want you. I'm okay with me. I don't need you to complete me or validate me. This is God's job. I learned that lesson a long time ago.
I don't think that a woman's independence separates her from men. I just think that it frees her to be more of a partner when she is in a relationship. (if she has healthy self esteem. which is another subject all together) Note to the ladies out there...we can be independent and still know to our role as the female in the relationship without losing ourselves. Note to the men...we can be indepenent and still know our role as the female in the relationship without losing you.
Something happens when the subject of independent black women comes up and it's not always pretty. In my opinion (which is why it's MY blog) when we use the term independence and black woman in the same sentence, a picture is painted of a lonley, bitter, emasculating woman who is contentious and always looking for a fight, particularly with black men. Now, some of this is true. I think that some women's spirits have been so battered and broken, that their hearts are hardened as a barrier against the world around them. They mask their pain and disappointment with anger which is usually misdirected. I feel for those sisters. The series of painful moments, I know all too well. They haven't found that place of peace inside themselves that will allow them to take each man based on his merits instead of the quick assumption that all men, especially black men, are nothing more than dogs. This generaliztion of course is incorrect but it works both ways as a lot of our men generalize us as well. I can only use my own story to show you why we are not all these negative things.
I was an ordinary child. Smart but not real smart. Attractive but not real pretty. (at least to me) I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17 and having grown up with a whole lot of awful things happen in to me early on, I was ill prepared emotionally for dealing with the opposite sex.
I managed to finish high school with my virginity still in tact which made my mother quite happy since it meant that I knew what she meant when she told me "don't go out there and get knocked up by some n****. You ain't bringin no babies up in my house".
I had what I considered to be the typical college experience; classes, parties, football games, and the whole rest of the things that you do when you are away from home without adult supervision. Still, I managed to get my degree and still didn't "bring home no babies". (but no, I wasn't a virgin anymore) I fell in love with a young man by my senior year who I thought, with every fiber of my being was going to be my husband and the father of my three children. I guess you could say that we were in love as much as two people in their early twenties could be. Being home kind of changed the scope of all of that. He went on the graduate school and I went home to get a job. The distance was too much for our immature relationship and let's just say that one of us (me) got very hurt. Nevertheless, the show must go on so I took my broken heart and kept it moving. The world was going to keep turning even if I didn't want it to.
I moved out of parent's house and into my own city apartment. I was working and trying to decide just what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I lived like a typical 20 something would on her own in the big city. I worked, partied, got my hair 'did', shopped, etc. I had a couple of relationships but no marriage. I even thought about marrying the guy from back home but I decided that loving someone BEFORE you marry them was kind of important, if you wanted a shot a staying married so no dice. Ok then I was 30. 30 came so fast that I wondered what happened to ages 25-30? My female clock was ticking and I needed to make some decisions. (or at least that's what I thought) But who was I going to marry? The men that I knew at the time, were either married, living with someone or just out there still playing. (or gay) Along with my clock ticking, age 30 came with a series of female problems that garnered me some surgeries that proved to be life changing. At 35, I no longer had to worry about my clock ticking since one of those surgeries removed it entirely. Now what? I cannot have children. Whose going to marry a barren woman? I spent a little time after my surgery going thru a series of depressive periods wondering if I was ever going to be happily wedded. After two years of questioning my worth as a woman, I decided enough was enough. I needed to get busy living my life and stop worrying about Prince Charming rolling up in his Caddy to take me away from all of this. So....I bought a house, joined a book club, started taking my health a little more seriously and pressed on.
Now I'm in my early 40's. Still no husband but surprisingly, content. Don't get me wrong, I would like some companionship but I can't afford to put my life on hold any longer waiting on it. I know women right now saying something like this 'As soon as I get a husband, I'm going to..." This, to me is a sad place to be. I could be mad about it but what is that going to do? I could blame black men, but how is it their fault? None of those things are going to change my circumstances. It is what it is. See? We don't all hate you. I think that when some of us say, we don't need no man, we are just acknowledging that we can get on with our lives and not place them on hold hoping that you'll finally notice us. Now, of course some women have been saying that they don't need a man so much that they on longer desire one. (and most don't really mean it) I guess that you just get tired of getting disappointed over and over in the whole dating scene. I don't think that I need you but I know that I want you. I'm okay with me. I don't need you to complete me or validate me. This is God's job. I learned that lesson a long time ago.
I don't think that a woman's independence separates her from men. I just think that it frees her to be more of a partner when she is in a relationship. (if she has healthy self esteem. which is another subject all together) Note to the ladies out there...we can be independent and still know to our role as the female in the relationship without losing ourselves. Note to the men...we can be indepenent and still know our role as the female in the relationship without losing you.
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