continuing the dating talk.....
9. Don't rely on your SO to validate you. You are responsible for your own happiness and well being. No, that is not being selfish..it's a self esteem thing. Besides it puts too much pressure on the other person. There is nothing wrong with hearing them tell you that you look good, you are so sexy, you are so smart. It's always good to hear a compliment from someone whose opinion that you respect, admire and even love. You have to believe that you are an intelligent , sexy, etc type of person and not just because he or she says so. This also speaks to self esteem...
10. Esteem is defined by Webster as "to set a high value on". What are you worth? You have to know this without a relationship. Are you worthy of love? Don't even think about dating until you figure those questions out.
11. Know what you want...ahead of time. I wasted so much of my recent dating experience being with a person and not knowing what I wanted. I was just dating to be....welll.....dating, I guess. How can you articulate what you want to someone else when you have no clue? and when you know what you want......
12. Stand firm on it!! Don't start talking yourself out of it just because you HAVE to be with this one particular person or even worse...you don't want to be alone. I know being alone is tough sometimes. Loneliness can really get the best of you and make you do some real stupid ish like call that ex that did you so very wrong and give him or her some nukki...that's why...
13. You have go out and get a life! Having a life does not always mean that you have to be paired up romantically. Find something to do...get a hobby, go back to school, *finish some projects in your house (*that one is for me) and generally just get you some "bizness". LOL Sitting around the house and wallowing in your loneliness is pitiful. You only get to ride this ride ONE time. Do something besides pout about the fact that you 'ain't got nobody'. Count it as a blessing...look at it this way...you could be caught up in some relationship that's got your heart aching and your head all f...oops I mean messed up.
14. I am so blessed that I have relatives that don't ask me 100000 times about 'when you gettin' married?'. Hell, I guess after 40, they've just given up. (I haven't though) Those of you who have family and friends who just keep asking you the proverbial marriage question, I feel for you. I don't have a fix for that one other than time BUT you can re direct the conversation by doing #13. You'll be so busy telling them all about your trip to Spain, they can have something else to talk about besides 'where is yo man at'? lol
15. Whether it's white or bold face...a lie is a lie...is a lie and dating a liar is about as bad as dating a murderer (no, I don't know any murderers lol). Trust is a mainstay of a relationship. It's like that one beam in your house that holds the roof up. If you remove that, the whole thing is going to collapse. A relationship with a liar can only end up one way..badly.
I think I've got a few more....we'll see what tomorrow holds
25 days
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Day 6
Today's topic is dating...what to do and what not to do. Now this is obviously based on my experiences with men or my gfs experiences that I witnessed.
A little background...I was 17 when I started dating. I've never married and I'm in my early 40s.
1. Do NOT allow the other person to belittle you or talk to you disrespectfully. (or your friends)
2. Do NOT start lending the person money. Now it's okay to help someone out sometimes (and I do mean SOMETIMES) but...if someone is not a good steward over their own money, they won't be a good steward over yours. Besides, how are you going to feel when they don't pay you back and then things don't work out? (like a fool)
3. Do NOT let our SO get away with flirting with your friends, your co workers, etc. Anybody that exhibits that type of behavior is almost 1000 percent certain to cheat on you. (with one of those same folks)
4. If he/she is not calling you on a regular basis and seeing you on a regular basis, they are not into you and could possibly be using you. (see #3) If someone like you, they 'gotta' see you and they most certainly 'gotta' talk to you. Don't accept that I'm busy bullshit. There is a cell phone in just about everybody's pocket...they could have called you several times a day. This leads to the next one...
5. There is nothing wrong with texting and emailing your SO but...if that is the main way you communicate, it is unacceptable. Ask yourself why this person is NOT calling you or seeing you...and see #4.
6. What type of things do you do when you spend time together? If the answer is sex and sex alone....STOP . This person is not interested in YOU but is very interested in your skills. (which I congratulate you on...but I digress) Seriously, if this person is not going....bowling, movies, out to eat, to a house party, etc with you and only comes over for a vid rental and some horizontal mambo...get rid of them OR keep them, demote them concubine status and go shopping for love. (when you meet someone real....dump them immediately) Of course it would be better if you just leave the person alone long before you start shopping again but I had to throw in an option for those of you are weak in that area.
7. Do NOT compromise who you are to fit what this person wants. If the person that you are with is trying to change you (and I don't mean things that make you better like going back to school, eating better, getting more sleep and ish like that).....you have to wonder if they like you in the first place. Who are they trying to make you over to be? If a person likes you, they accept you for who you are. They have to decide (and so do you ) that they can live with all of your quirks before they move forward. Speaking of change....
8. I heard an old saying that you can't turn a ho into a housewife. Hey this works for men and women. Why are you trying to make a person into something that they are not? If he/she is the noncommittement type....stop trying to change them into the Queen or King that you have made them up to be..in your own love blind mind. You think that if you just wow them with all of your magnificance, they will love you sooooo much that they will want to change. This may work, but the chance of it is very very slim. Why would you waste your precious time and your even more precious love on that type of foolishness? You need to be in the very opposite direction of wherever this person is going.
More tomorrow
26 days :)
A little background...I was 17 when I started dating. I've never married and I'm in my early 40s.
1. Do NOT allow the other person to belittle you or talk to you disrespectfully. (or your friends)
2. Do NOT start lending the person money. Now it's okay to help someone out sometimes (and I do mean SOMETIMES) but...if someone is not a good steward over their own money, they won't be a good steward over yours. Besides, how are you going to feel when they don't pay you back and then things don't work out? (like a fool)
3. Do NOT let our SO get away with flirting with your friends, your co workers, etc. Anybody that exhibits that type of behavior is almost 1000 percent certain to cheat on you. (with one of those same folks)
4. If he/she is not calling you on a regular basis and seeing you on a regular basis, they are not into you and could possibly be using you. (see #3) If someone like you, they 'gotta' see you and they most certainly 'gotta' talk to you. Don't accept that I'm busy bullshit. There is a cell phone in just about everybody's pocket...they could have called you several times a day. This leads to the next one...
5. There is nothing wrong with texting and emailing your SO but...if that is the main way you communicate, it is unacceptable. Ask yourself why this person is NOT calling you or seeing you...and see #4.
6. What type of things do you do when you spend time together? If the answer is sex and sex alone....STOP . This person is not interested in YOU but is very interested in your skills. (which I congratulate you on...but I digress) Seriously, if this person is not going....bowling, movies, out to eat, to a house party, etc with you and only comes over for a vid rental and some horizontal mambo...get rid of them OR keep them, demote them concubine status and go shopping for love. (when you meet someone real....dump them immediately) Of course it would be better if you just leave the person alone long before you start shopping again but I had to throw in an option for those of you are weak in that area.
7. Do NOT compromise who you are to fit what this person wants. If the person that you are with is trying to change you (and I don't mean things that make you better like going back to school, eating better, getting more sleep and ish like that).....you have to wonder if they like you in the first place. Who are they trying to make you over to be? If a person likes you, they accept you for who you are. They have to decide (and so do you ) that they can live with all of your quirks before they move forward. Speaking of change....
8. I heard an old saying that you can't turn a ho into a housewife. Hey this works for men and women. Why are you trying to make a person into something that they are not? If he/she is the noncommittement type....stop trying to change them into the Queen or King that you have made them up to be..in your own love blind mind. You think that if you just wow them with all of your magnificance, they will love you sooooo much that they will want to change. This may work, but the chance of it is very very slim. Why would you waste your precious time and your even more precious love on that type of foolishness? You need to be in the very opposite direction of wherever this person is going.
More tomorrow
26 days :)
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Day 5
I don't really have anything to say today. My head is pretty empty right now so writing this blog is kind of tough at the moment. Plus there's my constant need to edit it over and over, which is silly since the thoughts should be random...except when I'm writing a story. Hmmm how was work today? Okay, kind of boring but Praise God that I have a job right now. How was my commute? Okay, blasted my music all the way home, as usual. What's the weather like? Freezing! I love Chicago but hate the winter weather. I will never get used to it. I have been thinking about moving some place warm but with what is going on in the ecomomy, that is a little out of the question. I was going to write a poem today but poetry is not really my strength. I am planning on going book shopping this weekend for my book club and picking out some nominations for the various catagories that we picked. I wanted to take a jewelry making class but haven't signed up yet. The pottery class that I wanted to take starts 1/27 but I don't want to go to school in the bitter winter unless it's on line. I did not find an online writting class that I wanted, so...no school. I will be buying the jewelry making book so I can start making my hoop earrings. We'll see how it goes. It sounds kind of fun. I need to go to the grocery store but..well I don't feel like doing that either. Maybe I'll do it on the way home before the end of the week. Well, I guess that I'm done.....Goodnight.
(27 days)
(27 days)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Day 4
Me: I've been neglecting you. Don't you feel neglected? Unappreciated?
16750: Well, I'm a little older so a little more high maintenence. Plus, you just don't know what to do, how to do it and then there's that other thing.
Me: ((sigh)) What other thing?
16750: cash-ola...you're a little over extended credit wise, right?
Me: Amen to that but don't help with the excuses. I'm Queen of the Excuse people.
16750: just trying to help you out...what do you want me to say...you're lazy? you're irresponsible? that's not entirely accurate. Not entirely...lol
Me: Maybe I just got in over my head. I don't want to seem ungrateful. Besides, I prayed to have you and now....well....
16750: There are some things that you CAN do yourself. You're a terrible procrastinator, you know.
Me: Ain't that the truth. LOL Seriously, I need to tackle this list one day.
16750: Well, it is winter and we both know how you like to hibernate. We spend a lot of time together in this type of weather. Why don't you just make another list and do what you can?
Me: I suck.
16750: Whining is not an option, so cut it out! Your father has been very generous with you. He just wants you to do what you can and trust him to work the rest out. You know how much he loves you. I hear you talking about it, singing about it...all the time.
Me: Okay, you're right. Besides, I got to stop neglecting you. How did you get so wise?
16750: Hey, I was born...I mean built in '48 , with age comes wisdom.
Me: and drafty windows, and a leaky roof, and peeling paint, and old plumbing and.....
16750: LOL point taken.
(28 days)
16750: Well, I'm a little older so a little more high maintenence. Plus, you just don't know what to do, how to do it and then there's that other thing.
Me: ((sigh)) What other thing?
16750: cash-ola...you're a little over extended credit wise, right?
Me: Amen to that but don't help with the excuses. I'm Queen of the Excuse people.
16750: just trying to help you out...what do you want me to say...you're lazy? you're irresponsible? that's not entirely accurate. Not entirely...lol
Me: Maybe I just got in over my head. I don't want to seem ungrateful. Besides, I prayed to have you and now....well....
16750: There are some things that you CAN do yourself. You're a terrible procrastinator, you know.
Me: Ain't that the truth. LOL Seriously, I need to tackle this list one day.
16750: Well, it is winter and we both know how you like to hibernate. We spend a lot of time together in this type of weather. Why don't you just make another list and do what you can?
Me: I suck.
16750: Whining is not an option, so cut it out! Your father has been very generous with you. He just wants you to do what you can and trust him to work the rest out. You know how much he loves you. I hear you talking about it, singing about it...all the time.
Me: Okay, you're right. Besides, I got to stop neglecting you. How did you get so wise?
16750: Hey, I was born...I mean built in '48 , with age comes wisdom.
Me: and drafty windows, and a leaky roof, and peeling paint, and old plumbing and.....
16750: LOL point taken.
(28 days)
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Day 3
A warm, sun filled Saturday was a perfect for a day for exploring her new found surroundings. With these last few weeks of unpacking, moving furniture and working, it was time to get out and familarize herself with her new hometown. Who knew that 3 months would go by so quickly?
She had to hand it to her real estate agent, she truly earned her commission finding her a small but completely renovated house within walking distance of the city's artsy area. There were shops, restaurants, galleries, bookstores, bakeries and a coffee house or two. Music from the areas local bars spilled out into onto the sidewalk.
Having walked for well over an hour, she was ready to find a spot to sit, eat and rest her feet. A coffee house appropriately named Java Sip with it's corner location and al fresco dining seemed like a good place to sit and do some serious people watching. She ordered a green tea and a toasted apple raisin bagel with a side of Javas famous homemade cream cheese. The staff was warm and friendly welcoming her to the area and throwing in a complimentary order of a popular citrus fruit salad.
It took a few minutes of scanning the outside seating area to find an empty cafe table but she finaly spied one and swiftly made her way to it before it became occupied. As suspected, the bagel, fruit salad and tea was delicious. She added herself the list of people who loved the homemade cream cheese and made a mental note not to love it too much that she would forget that she was trying to lose some weight.
She sat back and looked around the dining area while she sipped her tea. There was a young couple seated with their toddler, two tables of older women all wearing red hats and laughing heartily. A tall, leggy redhead typed steadily on her laptop while pausing to take big gulps of her coffee.
Satisfied that she had seen everything on one side of the cafe, she shifted slightly in her chair to get a different view. The table next to her was empty but the corner table was occupied by a brother who seemed deeply engrossed in his newspaper. He sat back, one of his legs was causually moving left and right as he read and sipped. From what she could see, he looked like he might be kind of cute. He was wearing cuffed, off white linen pants. His multi colored cuban shirt covered what looked like very broad shoulders. With the addition of his sandals, he looked comfortable and well put together. 'I bet he smells really good,' she thought. She no sooner finished her thought, when he looked up from his paper and directly into her eyes. She quickly averted her attention to the top of her table, spilling a little tea on her t shirt. She glanced back at him which made him chuckle. His light brown eyes still set on her. Oh my God, what was he thinking?
She stared off into the opposite corner and nervously sipped her tea as she willed her heart rate back down to normal. 'Damn', she thought, 'how embarrasing'. She was just about to turn to offer him an apology, when she noticed that he was making his way towards her table. She was wrong about his being cute, he was fine and the closer he got, the more she wanted to melt into her chair.
"Hello." he said.
She strained out a greeting that she thinks sounded like a hello but she wasn't really sure since she was holding her breath.
"I'm David and you are?" he asked.
"I'm, um" She cleared her throat, ," I'm Valerie." She finally managed to get out. She was wondering what he would think if she stood up, put her hand in his partially open shirt and started rubbing his chest. She sat there looking up at him, hoping that he wasn't a mind reader.
He smiled at her then reached into his pants pocket. She tried like hell to keep her eyes from going there. His hand produced what looked like a business card. The background of the card was black and it was peppered with gold musical notes. On it was an address and a telephone number to a place called Revel, all beautifully written in the same gold letters.
"Welcome to Charleston, Valerie. " He winked at her, placed his straw hat on his head then turned and strolled away.
She watched him walk down the block noting that the view from the back was just as impressive.
(29 more days)
She had to hand it to her real estate agent, she truly earned her commission finding her a small but completely renovated house within walking distance of the city's artsy area. There were shops, restaurants, galleries, bookstores, bakeries and a coffee house or two. Music from the areas local bars spilled out into onto the sidewalk.
Having walked for well over an hour, she was ready to find a spot to sit, eat and rest her feet. A coffee house appropriately named Java Sip with it's corner location and al fresco dining seemed like a good place to sit and do some serious people watching. She ordered a green tea and a toasted apple raisin bagel with a side of Javas famous homemade cream cheese. The staff was warm and friendly welcoming her to the area and throwing in a complimentary order of a popular citrus fruit salad.
It took a few minutes of scanning the outside seating area to find an empty cafe table but she finaly spied one and swiftly made her way to it before it became occupied. As suspected, the bagel, fruit salad and tea was delicious. She added herself the list of people who loved the homemade cream cheese and made a mental note not to love it too much that she would forget that she was trying to lose some weight.
She sat back and looked around the dining area while she sipped her tea. There was a young couple seated with their toddler, two tables of older women all wearing red hats and laughing heartily. A tall, leggy redhead typed steadily on her laptop while pausing to take big gulps of her coffee.
Satisfied that she had seen everything on one side of the cafe, she shifted slightly in her chair to get a different view. The table next to her was empty but the corner table was occupied by a brother who seemed deeply engrossed in his newspaper. He sat back, one of his legs was causually moving left and right as he read and sipped. From what she could see, he looked like he might be kind of cute. He was wearing cuffed, off white linen pants. His multi colored cuban shirt covered what looked like very broad shoulders. With the addition of his sandals, he looked comfortable and well put together. 'I bet he smells really good,' she thought. She no sooner finished her thought, when he looked up from his paper and directly into her eyes. She quickly averted her attention to the top of her table, spilling a little tea on her t shirt. She glanced back at him which made him chuckle. His light brown eyes still set on her. Oh my God, what was he thinking?
She stared off into the opposite corner and nervously sipped her tea as she willed her heart rate back down to normal. 'Damn', she thought, 'how embarrasing'. She was just about to turn to offer him an apology, when she noticed that he was making his way towards her table. She was wrong about his being cute, he was fine and the closer he got, the more she wanted to melt into her chair.
"Hello." he said.
She strained out a greeting that she thinks sounded like a hello but she wasn't really sure since she was holding her breath.
"I'm David and you are?" he asked.
"I'm, um" She cleared her throat, ," I'm Valerie." She finally managed to get out. She was wondering what he would think if she stood up, put her hand in his partially open shirt and started rubbing his chest. She sat there looking up at him, hoping that he wasn't a mind reader.
He smiled at her then reached into his pants pocket. She tried like hell to keep her eyes from going there. His hand produced what looked like a business card. The background of the card was black and it was peppered with gold musical notes. On it was an address and a telephone number to a place called Revel, all beautifully written in the same gold letters.
"Welcome to Charleston, Valerie. " He winked at her, placed his straw hat on his head then turned and strolled away.
She watched him walk down the block noting that the view from the back was just as impressive.
(29 more days)
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Day 2
It's cold in here. The furnace is humming along but it's still cold in here. I have plastic on windows and cutains on some windows yet....brrrr I'm still cold.
Sitting here drinking tea and eating a trail mix bar, I'm having one of those buyer's remorse days. As a homeowner, you get those days. You love your home but sometimes the endless projects get to be overwhelming. The constant growing 'honey-do' list on the fridge that I keep adding to but never really starting (or finishing). Then there's the sudden things; plumbing, water tank, electrical issues, furnace issues and God knows what else. The parade of folks coming through your home and practially bankrupting you to fix these issues. (and those are the one who show up when called) I've certainly had a few folks come through here and take advantage of me. Part of this is my fault though since I should been more well read on home maintanence. (hmmmm a book purchase is in order)
It's enough to make me miss my humble northside apartment.
Despite it all, I am so proud to be a homeowner. 10 years ago, I couldn't even imagine that this would be my story. It's all mine, every 1300 square foot of it.
This year, I'm going to learn to appreciate this blessing more which means figuring out what is needed to take care it.
30 days left
Sitting here drinking tea and eating a trail mix bar, I'm having one of those buyer's remorse days. As a homeowner, you get those days. You love your home but sometimes the endless projects get to be overwhelming. The constant growing 'honey-do' list on the fridge that I keep adding to but never really starting (or finishing). Then there's the sudden things; plumbing, water tank, electrical issues, furnace issues and God knows what else. The parade of folks coming through your home and practially bankrupting you to fix these issues. (and those are the one who show up when called) I've certainly had a few folks come through here and take advantage of me. Part of this is my fault though since I should been more well read on home maintanence. (hmmmm a book purchase is in order)
It's enough to make me miss my humble northside apartment.
Despite it all, I am so proud to be a homeowner. 10 years ago, I couldn't even imagine that this would be my story. It's all mine, every 1300 square foot of it.
This year, I'm going to learn to appreciate this blessing more which means figuring out what is needed to take care it.
30 days left
Friday, January 1, 2010
Day 1
Today is day one of my 32 day writing challenge. What's on my mind? Hmmm. I need to tell someone that I am no longer interested in having a relationship with him and now I am wondering if I am just being too damn picky. Maybe I should be grateful that I have someone to occassionally take me out. Maybe I should be glad that someone is interested in me. Does it really matter that he is not into anything that I am into? Does it matter that he thinks that I don't really know my ass from a hole in the ground. Okay, maybe that last part is an exaggeration. LOL I really do think though that he thinks that I am not really that intelligent or that I don't have any sense or that because he works with teenagers, he cannot separate things. It must be why he talks to me like I'm a 40 something year old idiot. It's not that I don't respect his counsel but um...not every woman needs to be guided around like a child. I do have my own job, my own car, my own house, and more importantly my own identity. I thought that my father had risen from the grave when I told him that I have a tattoo. Why in the hell would he assume that it is some guy's name. No, he did not ask me what it was but proceeded to explain to me that tatoos are permanent (WHAT?) and that having someone's name on me is forever. Well dang ...I had no idea. The funny thing is that he is a really nice guy and does not mean any harm by 'sharing his wisdom' (as he puts it)...but guess what man??? that ish is really irritating to any seemingly intelligent, independent woman.
Now I'm back at square one and I just don't feel like getting back out there. It's starting to wear on me and my patience is getting thin with grown folks. So, I will pour myself into doing my thing...writing...reading....dyi projects in the house...and generally just living.
31 days to go
Now I'm back at square one and I just don't feel like getting back out there. It's starting to wear on me and my patience is getting thin with grown folks. So, I will pour myself into doing my thing...writing...reading....dyi projects in the house...and generally just living.
31 days to go
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