In the black community it's not uncommon to find black women fending for themselves. For various reasons, black men are absent from our lives. It's not always a physical absence but there are times when the absence is emotional. Now, I'm not blaming black men for this as the fault is not always theirs to bear. This is not what this blog is about. I am discussing, rather with myself, the increasing tension between those of us who are out here 'doing our thing' vs the black men in our lives (or not in our lives).
Something happens when the subject of independent black women comes up and it's not always pretty. In my opinion (which is why it's MY blog) when we use the term independence and black woman in the same sentence, a picture is painted of a lonley, bitter, emasculating woman who is contentious and always looking for a fight, particularly with black men. Now, some of this is true. I think that some women's spirits have been so battered and broken, that their hearts are hardened as a barrier against the world around them. They mask their pain and disappointment with anger which is usually misdirected. I feel for those sisters. The series of painful moments, I know all too well. They haven't found that place of peace inside themselves that will allow them to take each man based on his merits instead of the quick assumption that all men, especially black men, are nothing more than dogs. This generaliztion of course is incorrect but it works both ways as a lot of our men generalize us as well. I can only use my own story to show you why we are not all these negative things.
I was an ordinary child. Smart but not real smart. Attractive but not real pretty. (at least to me) I wasn't allowed to date until I was 17 and having grown up with a whole lot of awful things happen in to me early on, I was ill prepared emotionally for dealing with the opposite sex.
I managed to finish high school with my virginity still in tact which made my mother quite happy since it meant that I knew what she meant when she told me "don't go out there and get knocked up by some n****. You ain't bringin no babies up in my house".
I had what I considered to be the typical college experience; classes, parties, football games, and the whole rest of the things that you do when you are away from home without adult supervision. Still, I managed to get my degree and still didn't "bring home no babies". (but no, I wasn't a virgin anymore) I fell in love with a young man by my senior year who I thought, with every fiber of my being was going to be my husband and the father of my three children. I guess you could say that we were in love as much as two people in their early twenties could be. Being home kind of changed the scope of all of that. He went on the graduate school and I went home to get a job. The distance was too much for our immature relationship and let's just say that one of us (me) got very hurt. Nevertheless, the show must go on so I took my broken heart and kept it moving. The world was going to keep turning even if I didn't want it to.
I moved out of parent's house and into my own city apartment. I was working and trying to decide just what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I lived like a typical 20 something would on her own in the big city. I worked, partied, got my hair 'did', shopped, etc. I had a couple of relationships but no marriage. I even thought about marrying the guy from back home but I decided that loving someone BEFORE you marry them was kind of important, if you wanted a shot a staying married so no dice. Ok then I was 30. 30 came so fast that I wondered what happened to ages 25-30? My female clock was ticking and I needed to make some decisions. (or at least that's what I thought) But who was I going to marry? The men that I knew at the time, were either married, living with someone or just out there still playing. (or gay) Along with my clock ticking, age 30 came with a series of female problems that garnered me some surgeries that proved to be life changing. At 35, I no longer had to worry about my clock ticking since one of those surgeries removed it entirely. Now what? I cannot have children. Whose going to marry a barren woman? I spent a little time after my surgery going thru a series of depressive periods wondering if I was ever going to be happily wedded. After two years of questioning my worth as a woman, I decided enough was enough. I needed to get busy living my life and stop worrying about Prince Charming rolling up in his Caddy to take me away from all of this. So....I bought a house, joined a book club, started taking my health a little more seriously and pressed on.
Now I'm in my early 40's. Still no husband but surprisingly, content. Don't get me wrong, I would like some companionship but I can't afford to put my life on hold any longer waiting on it. I know women right now saying something like this 'As soon as I get a husband, I'm going to..." This, to me is a sad place to be. I could be mad about it but what is that going to do? I could blame black men, but how is it their fault? None of those things are going to change my circumstances. It is what it is. See? We don't all hate you. I think that when some of us say, we don't need no man, we are just acknowledging that we can get on with our lives and not place them on hold hoping that you'll finally notice us. Now, of course some women have been saying that they don't need a man so much that they on longer desire one. (and most don't really mean it) I guess that you just get tired of getting disappointed over and over in the whole dating scene. I don't think that I need you but I know that I want you. I'm okay with me. I don't need you to complete me or validate me. This is God's job. I learned that lesson a long time ago.
I don't think that a woman's independence separates her from men. I just think that it frees her to be more of a partner when she is in a relationship. (if she has healthy self esteem. which is another subject all together) Note to the ladies out there...we can be independent and still know to our role as the female in the relationship without losing ourselves. Note to the men...we can be indepenent and still know our role as the female in the relationship without losing you.
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